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The Hypocrite's Lament

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 21, 2017 at 11:55 AM Comments comments (0)

I tried everything to help them.

 

Honestly I did.


Whenever I heard something bad about them…I spread the news all over town…Like I always say, when it comes to other people…the safest bet is always to assume the worst…liverwurst.


Ahem. I’m digressing now…where was I?


Oh yes…

 

Whenever they wanted to talk things over with me, I always made time for them…time to give them the silent treatment…they’re sick…sick people after all…they need treatment…and what better treatment could I give them?


What can I say?

 

I’m a doctor.

 

A healer of souls and minds…


I treat people…with contempt perhaps, but like I always say, treatment is treatment.


Still, people just don’t get it. Heck! If you listen to some people around here you’d think I was some sort of hypocrite or something.


As if I were the one to be despised!

 

Consider this though…Whenever anyone wanted a shoulder to cry on…who was the always the first to offer them a cold shoulder?

 

Me!


And…what did I get out of doing this?


Nothing.


Not one penny…


Yet, despite all my efforts, all these things I’ve done, all the rumors I’ve spread, the people I’ve given the silent treatment to simply refuse to make any effort to change…honestly, I just don’t know what more I can do for these idiots…sigh…If I only knew where the problem was…then I could avoid dealing with it…


Handling Dates...Properly...

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 21, 2017 at 11:55 AM Comments comments (0)

Valentine’s Day is only 275 days away…As that special day quickly approaches, I have been getting many phone calls for advice on dates…really, the main thing I like to share with people is that dates are much better tasting than figs…Still, dates can have their challenges…for example, if you find that you have somehow ended up ON a date…promptly remove the fragment of fruit from the chair you were sitting on, carefully place the now squashed and gross date into the nearest garbage bin and then return to your seat…Yes, dear friends…Dates, like any other Middle Eastern fruit can be difficult to deal with…however, with a little forethought, dates can actually be quite enjoyable…

The Murder of Humpty Dumpty

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 20, 2017 at 12:35 AM Comments comments (0)

Tonight on W5 we explore the age old question. Did Humpty Dumpty fall or was he pushed? Consider this statement made at the scene of the crime by prime suspect, Master Chef Henri Renard, and decide for yourself. Roll the clip please…”I was standing right here officer, warning Humpty Dumpty about the dangers of sitting on the fence…he listened…but he was laughing as he listened to me, rocking back and forth with both of his feet…I don’t know how it happened.” As we see here, Henri begins breaking down tears as he struggles to complete his statement. “I guess Humpty just lost his grip…on reality…and cracked up…I know it looks bad…I know I’ve got egg on my face…and I admit that I had always wanted to get Humpty out of his shell…but not quite like this…I swear officer, I never wanted Humpty to end up like this…he was a good egg…he really was…” Perhaps if Henri had ended his statement here, he would not be under investigation today. However, look closer…Henri glaces up at the investigating officer as a look of cunning crosses his face. He laughs with a touch of madness and then…then he says this…”but officer, if you give me a chance, I just know I could make something good out of this mess…an omelette perhaps…”

Searching for Happiness...in a Happy Meal...

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 16, 2017 at 1:40 PM Comments comments (0)

My life was so empty. I wanted to be happy. I really wanted to be happy. So, I started to search for some source of happiness in this world My first thought was to pick up a newspaper in search of a lead. “If you get this new hat, you’ll be happy!” That’s what the ad said…so, I went out and bought that new hat…but the funny thing was, as soon as I got it, I found that it had already become old hat…and I was out of style…I’m telling you straight, style is great, but while pursuing it, I still felt so empty…I really needed something more in my life…so, I went to McDonald’s and ordered a happy meal in the hopes that maybe that would make me happy…and I found that type of meal just gave me indigestion. What can I say? Fast food works fast! I really needed some direction in my life…and strangely enough, while I was running down the street looking for a restroom…I ran into my fortune teller…and knocked her off her bicycle…A sure sign that the fates had conspired to bring some guidance into my life! But get this, my Fortuneteller said she never saw me coming…strangely enough, I’m starting to think that these cheap thrills are pretty expensive in the long run…I wonder if I’d be happier if I didn’t spend all my time chasing after things that are supposed to make me happier…

Herman: The Great Preacher!

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 16, 2017 at 1:35 PM Comments comments (0)


Herman was well dressed and well spoken while Hilda always dressed as if looking in the mirror had never occurred to her…not only that, Hilda’s speech stuttered and stammered whenever she tried to make a point. Herman spent thousands of hours traveling the world, preaching powerfully in public while partying in private with anyone who was willing…creating experiences that were entertaining but didn’t really change anything…Meanwhile, Hilda lived a quiet and honest life, never leaving her small town…,she stayed true to her husband, raising her children to be civil, being a light to those around her going through dark valleys. Herman was given his own tv show and honored as a man of God on the cover of many magazines…and was promptly forgotten in the year after his passing….meanwhile the small seeds Hilda had sown in love lived on in the lives of those she had encountered…a ministry of service that kept on growing in impact throughout the years…a ministry that was truly world changing….and never self promoting…

A Hot Car...A Fast Woman...and a Very Slow Man...

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 15, 2017 at 12:10 AM Comments comments (0)

I ain’t the fastest man around I’ll give ya that. It took me bout two hours ta walk downtown today…that don’t sound slow until ya remember that it only takes bout 15 minutes ta drive through this whole little burg I call home…But, everybody has their weaknesses I suppose…anyhoo…I finally got to the place I was goin, so that’s all that matters, don’t it? Anyhoo…I was busy shoppin for some pots an pans an what not…when a thought came to my mind…that was somethin new for me…so, I stood there for awhile, ponderin that thought. Just savorin the novelty of it you understand…Half an hour later, I was still there, standin in the middle of the thrift store, wonderin whether flirtin with disaster meant that I was a romantic at heart, or not…when, SHE approached…”Hey there stranger,” SHE said with a sultry whisper. “I may be a stranger but you’re even stranger,” I replied, kinda cool like. I tell ya…That’s when the conversation started gettin hot an heavy…arguin about 25cent pots and and pans…then, you’re not gonna believe this, but we started gettin into the real serious stuff…stuff only a husband an wife should be sayin to each other…namely fightin about various brands of automobiles. I was a Chevy man myself…while she liked more Dodgy vehicles. After an hour or so of yellin back and forth, we finally got booted outta that thrift store…an as we were standin there on main street, SHE tossed her mane of hair, turned ta me an purred…kinda like that mangy cat that always came around the farm…Yeah, that was always a good tomcat, I’ll give ya that…I kinda miss havin’em around…but I’m gettin off track…where was I?…oh yeah…this here is what SHE was purrin ta me, “hey, handsome, why don’t we go for a little drive and settle this”…I’ll spare ya all the details…but somehow we ended goin for that a little drive…little did I realize at the time that SHE was plannin ta drive me me crazy…but, I guess I shoulda known…that’s how women are…anyhoo…in the end, I suppose we just weren’t meant ta be together…I went back ta my farm…an SHE went back ta the asylum where she escaped from…If I’ve learned anythin from this…I guess it’d just be…don’t let strange women take ya for a ride…in dodgy vehicles…

Of Humble Pie...and the Eating Thereof...

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 8, 2017 at 11:10 AM Comments comments (0)

Jealousy washed over me as I saw all that Billy had...I knew all those things rightfully belonged to me...I deserved them more then he did...still, I knew that rising to Billy's level would take work and I sure didn't want that...It would be far easier to bring Billy down to my level...so, I stuck out my foot and tripped him...sending him and all the food he was carrying crashing to the floor...that's when I realized that Billy the waiter was actually bringing all the food to our table...and if I had been patient, I would have got all that food anyway...instead, I ended up losing my lunch and getting kicked out of the Diner...now, I'm trying to find somewhere else to eat...but, every place in town is just serving up humble pie...and I'm just not hungry for more of that...

The Great Sandcastle War

Posted by kelvinbueckert on June 8, 2017 at 12:10 AM Comments comments (0)

It began as a beautiful, innocent morning.They even began as friends...but soon the day would take a tragic turn. You see, both Billy and Bobby had labored throughout the day to build their sand castles to epic scale and the sight of those buildings of sand was indeed a beautiful one to behold. However, the tragic truth was that at some point in the day, both Billy and Bobby had come to believe the lie...the lie that their value as humans was based on the amount of toys in their possession...That the winner at the end of the day would be the boy with the biggest and best castle. Yes dear friends, it was there, deep within the soul, that the true enemy lurked. Those prideful lies that prompted the great war to break forth among the boys. Eventually, after working together to destroy all the inferior castles around them and then looting their plastic sand trowels and buckets...came the dramatic moment when Billy and Bobby were themselves forced to face off in their battle for complete control of the beach. "I'm not going to stand for this anymore!" Yelled Billy. "Well then, take a seat if you won't stand for it, " retorted Bobby. Billy began marching toward his sworn enemy as his face twisted in rage. "You know what Bobby, you're strange." With that Bobby began to cackle. "Really? At least I'm not a stranger!" All the rest of the day the boys fought with words and fists...until finally, as the sun went down, their parents returned to pass judgement. Breaking up the fight and dragging them back to their homes for their just punishment. Strangely enough, it was during that very same night that the tide began to come in...washing away all the castles of sand and plastic toys...leaving the beach clean and without any trace of the noble fight that had ended the day before...

Memories of Dwayne-Cut Scene...

Posted by kelvinbueckert on March 9, 2017 at 11:45 AM Comments comments (0)

I cut this scene from Memories of Dwayne...but, I still liked it...so, I'm sharing it here with you...


“Welcome y'all,” The preacher paused to straighten his sweat-drenched collar. "Just call me Dwayne. After all, we're all friends here, aren't we?”

Yellow shafts of light beamed through the windows, illuminating the simply decorated Church.

In many ways it was a typical lazy Sunday morning, however, it was unusual in the fact that the pews were full.

Quite a few citizens were curious about the handsome preacher standing on the stage in front of the church.

The preacher in question wore a blue-checkered shirt and black jeans. He set his straw cowboy hat onto the wooden pulpit before him.

“I tell ya, it sure is a privilege to be asked ta preach to ya fine folks. It humbles me...it really does...I’m just a simple country boy but I’ll try do my best for ya all. That much I can promise ya... "

Dwayne smiled, revealing a mouthful of perfect teeth.

“I just gotta few words of thanks ta share before I start my message. I haven’t been here that long but Travis...Travis where are ya...” Dwayne scanned his flock. “I think we all know who I’m talkin' about don't we? Yes sir, that well-dressed young man there in the front row. Ya wanna stand up?" Travis stood and proudly adjusted his suit as the preacher continued. "I just wanna thank ya for makin’ a country boy so welcome. That's all right Travis, you can sit down now...I wouldn't wanna wear ya out." The preacher cleared his throat. "The other person I’d like ta thank here this mornin is my dear wife, Marsha Pruen. I'm not gonna ask her ta stand. She's a humble woman...but I just wanna say I'm blessed ta have her in my life an ask ya all ta give her a round of applause.”

The congregation clapped and cheered on cue.

Dwayne paused to wipe moisture from his forehead.

The air was heavy with humidity and the smell of sweat.

Faint engine sounds drifted in through open windows.

“Yep, I can still taste that fine loaf of fresh bread she baked for me just this mornin!" Dwayne smiled. “It sure is distractin’ but I gotta sermon ta preach don't I?" He adjusted the notes on the pulpit. "Yes sir...this sermon has long needed ta be preached. Everywhere ya look, ya see thieves, drunkards, and perverts roamin this island!” The preacher shook his head. "Folks, I tell ya the truth, it saddens my heart ta see these people gettin sucked into sin...But we gotta think of our children...we gotta do what's right for them! We gotta take some action against these sinners runnin around here!” Dwayne slammed his fist onto the pulpit. “Some serious action! We gotta do what it takes ta make this here island great again...are ya with me?”

The crowd roared its approval.

"I tell ya I'm sure glad ta hear that. Now here's how we're gonna do it..."

 

How to Become a More Judgemental Person

Posted by kelvinbueckert on March 29, 2016 at 10:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Many have written me letters...many more have called me...and all with just one question burning on their minds...Kelvin, how can I become a more judgemental person? And so...In the interests of helping the human race evolve to a higher plane of enlightenment I have decided to share my insights here with you today...

First step...Always ASSUME the worst about the other person and their intentions. LIFE TIP: Little things like skin color, body type, and social class can do big things to boost your judgemental attitude. Second step. AVOID meaningful communication with those outside your inner circle...you may find yourself learning more about their true motivations, situations, intentions and slowly find your judgemental attitude slipping away as you understand their position better. LIFE TIP: Use imagination instead of communication to form your opinions about others...your imagination is a powerful tool and it becomes even more powerful when unhindered by petty things like the truth.

The third and possibly most important step is to only ASSOCIATE with others who hold the same judgemental attitude as you do. As Soacrates so wisely stated, misery loves company...and the same holds true for a judgemental attitude. LIFE TIP: Persevere...you may feel moments of loneliness or guilt as you perfect your judgemental attitude...but like all other skills in life...a judgemental attitude must be practiced daily to achieve the best results...


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